My two angels
My Two Precious Babies,
I was just 17, and threatened that my babies father might be hurt, or even worse killed if I continued with the pregnancy. As I was placed on the table before the abortion took place my entire being screamed out
“No stop!.” Profusely crying, I was hushed with the reminder that my babies dad may be harmed if I didn’t go through with it. I grieved, and prayed for forgiveness. My heart was stung with brokenness, and filled with painful regret. If only I didn’t believe the lie. I’m sorry my child. I hope you forgive me, and I hope to meet you in heaven one day. I want to hold your hand, and walk with you through God’s valley. I want to say I love you. I always did, and I never forgot you. I swore I would never do this again.
Years later, after a broken marriage, and single, and struggling to raise two children alone, and stuck in the welfare system, I found myself pregnant once again. I was being evicted, financially struggling, and had just a few weeks to move myself, and my two children out. I struggled with the thought of aborting once again, and I even traveled an hour’s drive to go through with the abortion. After arriving at the clinic, I just couldn’t do it. I drove back home, and the morning sickness was severely getting worse. Only two weeks left to get out of the house where I lived, and physically unable to pack to prepare to move, and knowing that I was financially struggling, as well as living in poverty alone with my daughter and son, I found myself facing another excruciating painful decision to end the pregnancy. I was extremely ill with this pregnancy. I discussed it with my baby’s dad, and he said he was leaving state to attend a college far away, and he wasn’t going to be around to help, or support me with this pregnancy. The following week, I went back to that horrible place “Planned Parenthood”, a misconstrued name that will forever be embedded in my mind, and as they were all to willing to encouraged me to go through with the abortion. I did, I went through with the second abortion. My soul was grieved, my heart was consumed with guilt, and I cried and cried, because the first time I had been threatened that my baby’s dad’s life was endangered, but this second time I was to sick, to scared, to weak, and pressured to move with an eviction, and noone to help me. I was leaving the state in the hopes of getting housing, and in the hopes to find help, and security to sustain myself, and my other two children while I had been accepted into a two bedroom low income apt. in the other state which was waiting our arrival.
A year later, I became pregnant yet another time. Still financially limited and barely making it, I was attending college in the hopes of finding a better future for myself, and my young teen aged daughter and son. After finding myself pregnant once again. My aunt came to visit to try to talk me into having another abortion. I firmly told her No, and if she were to persist I would ask her to leave my home. I was firm, and she knew by the tone of my voice, and the anger that roze up inside me that there would be no way that I would do that again, and cause another of my own flesh and blood “my child” to once again suffer the torment and execution of abortion. I was not willing to suffer anymore mental anguish, and guilt that came along with the decisions that I had previously made while terminating my pregnancies, and ending my babies lives. I delivered a beautiful baby girl 9 mos later. Several years later I spoke with the the babies father of our child who decided to move on with his life out of the city where we locally resided to move on with his career goals, and college, and he heartlessly reminded me of the choice I made to end the pregnancy. He snuggly, and ruthlessly, asked me while taunting me, “Did you have a good time killing my baby?” I was hurt, appalled, and angry at his comment as he judged me for what I had done baring no responsibility at all as he reassured me that he was leaving the city where we lived to advance himself with his own personal career choice at the college he was signed up to attend, and I thought about how he adamently let me know that he would not be around to support me with the pregnancy. While I do bare the responsibility, as well as the regret for what I had done to my babies. I have prayed for forgiveness, and I know that I am forgiven by God. The hardest thing is forgiving myself, but I know that I must. If God forgives me then I have no right condemning myself. While it’s been over 40 yrs. With the first abortion, and over 24 years with the second, I have never forgotten, and the scars are there. They are deeply rooted in my heart forever, but though the open wounds are closed, and the scars remain, I can’t take back my sins, or bring my precious babies back. I have whole heartedly confessed these sins to God, asking for His grace, and forgiveness. I know He is faithful, and just to forgive me of the horrible, choices that I made. Women who abort children do suffer mental, and emotional pain, and shame at the decision to abort. I am a testimony of one of them. I am here to tell you that 40 years later I still bare the thoughts embedded in my mind of the decisions that I made, and to this day I still regret while wishing that I could change those choices that I made to abort my babies. Since then I have become an advocate against abortion. I have had an opportunity to save a baby’s life whose mother was going to abort her child. After telling her of my experience just 9 mos. Later she delivered a perfectly beautiful, and healthy baby girl. Praise God! As far as my two infant children, I can only hope that they will forgive me, and know that I have not forgotten them. I love them, though I never got to express that Love to them. I hope to walk with you both one day my children…through God’s garden in heaven where there is no more pain, no more sorrow, and no more tears, no more execution, and no more torment, but rather a colorful garden of beauty, and magnificent love where all God’s children sing and play in the heavenlies. I know you saw Jesus the day that we separated, and I trust that He wiped your tears away while providing you love, healing, and comfort as you returned back to Him the day we parted and said goodbye. Please remember me my two precious loves until we meet again. Always loved, always remembered my two babies who have been given a heavenly name that the Lord Himself has provided you. I hope to know your heavenly names one day, as I know in my heart they are precious in God’s sight. I”ll n very forget you, and I’ll love you forever until we meet again in heaven. Mommy. 😥 ✝️🙏🙏✝️😥