~To my 37 year old Angel~~

Author: Mariette
Birth Date: Nov. 1977
Abortion Date: April 1977

I have never stopped grieving, the baby I had whisked away, from my body, 37 years ago. It was just too easy to get an abortion during those days. I went to “Planned Parenhood” for the pregnancy test. I was 21 years old. I had just left the Unification Church, having been a member of Rev. Moons “family”, for a few years. I had remembered what another member had told me about abortions, back then. This “brother” told me that “an abortion, as long as the “fetus” was killed while still in the womb, was comperable to having a wart, or tag, removed, spiritually. That, two spirits cannot live in the same body. That, only when a baby takes it’s first breath, outside it’s mothers body, is when we get our spirit. So, as long as the death of the fetus, occurs invetro, no spirit is murdered”. I believed it, at that time. I now feel, there was a special spirit, just waiting to junmp into that precious baby. I always felt, my baby was a boy. Every April, and every November, since 1977, I go through an extra deep depression. I grieve that child, who would now be 37 years old, this year. I wished Planned Parenthood, would have “taught me” how to be a single mom, how to access all the services for young, confused, inexperienced, scared, pregnant women. After the abortion, I got on with my life. The father of the baby, and I, did eventually get married. It was a rockie marriage. He had/has bipolar dissorder. Getting pregnant again was difficult. But, after seeing a specialist, I conceived again, 6 years later. The pregnancy was a miracle, but not without problems. Placenta Privia, caused me to start bleeding, at 16 weeks. I bled through the whole pregnancy, (and had other complications; CMV). My beautifull daughter was born February 1984. She is my only child. She has cerebral palsy, and is mentally challenged. I raised her compleatly on my own, her father walked out on us when she was just 2 years old. He was, and is “a deadbeat dad”. I now know, I would have been just fine, raising children on my own. I have a close relationship with God, and Jesus, and have taken spiritual steps to “heal”, from the “worst mistake of my life”. But the pain, and deep sorrow never goes away, never. I think about that child, who I never gave a chance to. I talk to him. I feel he is in spirit world, and I will meet him, when it’s my time to “cross over”. He (or maybe she) is my daughters sibling. I think about what he would look like. I know he would be handsome, and tall. He’d most likely be a musician, like his father. I think like this, all the time. It’s odd, ….I now live, almost accross the street, from where that abortion doctors office was. I wasn’t thinking of it, at the time I moved here. But, maybe, subconciously, ….I needed to be close to the last place, my baby and I were, together. I don’t know…….. I wish to God, I could take that day back.