Author: Anonymous Birth Date: 28/12/13 Abortion Date: 22/05/13
I’d just turned 17 when I discovered I was pregnant. The father of my baby had always been against teen pregnancy and I’d always been against abortion so clearly there was a dilemma. He blocked all contact with me for about a month and didn’t want anything to do with the two of us, however I was still going to go through with it. He rang me saying sorry and asked me to meet up with him to ‘talk things through’ which lead me to believe he was going to be supportive. That was far from what he wanted, he told me that if I didn’t go through with the abortion then he would take his own life. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever been faced with y’now do I choose keeping my unborn baby and loose the person i’m in love with and someone who has a bright future ahead of them or do I lose my child and live with it? It’s not simple, it never is. I heard family discussing it behind my back saying things like ‘she’s never gonna cope’ and ‘I hope someone convinces her to get rid of it’ but to my face they seemed supportive, I was confused and just wanted to give up completely. I decided to have the abortion and when the day came I was a nervous wreck drowning in guilt, shame and all the rest of it. He promised to come and support me along with my best friend but tried to make excuses not to come to the hospital like ‘my mum’s car broke down’. Although my friend hated him, she rang him and arranged to meet him in town and walk back to the hospital with him. I was relieved that he came but he spent the whole day just sat there doing maths revision because he didn’t want to miss out on ‘revision time’. Anyway the baby came and I was so shocked to see a fully shaped baby; head, eyes, arms, fingers everything. My heart sank and I just burst into tears. I told him how he/she looked and he just laughed and said ‘don’t be silly’. He made me feel like a complete idiot for feeling bad and disgusting about myself. When everything was over he kept pushing me away and pulling me back in again like it was some sort of game to him. He brought the baby up and explained that he wanted me to have an abortion because I ‘would’ve ended up like one of mine or my foster sister’s parent’s’- selling myself for money and abandoning my baby. He claimed there was a higher chance of me ‘turning out that way’ because I’m in foster care. He also said he/she ‘would’ve been his baby and not mine and he would’ve made a better father figure than I would have a mother figure’. There’s no way in hell that I would’ve done any of those things, I would’ve done my absolute best to provide and care for my child. I think about him/her everyday and can’t get the guilt and anger to go away, it kills me to think that I made the biggest mistake of my life. People make me feel like i’m crazy for grieving and remembering my baby; someone said ‘what the hell, why do you have your babies birthday in your calender?’ and ‘you would’ve had your baby today but it’s down the toilet’ some people are just idiotic and completely insensitive. I’m glad I found this website so I don’t feel completely insane and surrounded by people that don’t understand. I’ll always love my baby regardless and I won’t ever forget him/her. He/she would’ve been born yesterday so a late happy birthday to him/her 🙁
Jan 27, 2014 @ 15:17:02
No hunnie, you are not crazy for grieving!! Don’t listen to those people who make fun of your situation. I feel for you & what awful pain you are in. I do hope that you find peace. And that you leave that horrible young man you are with. Im sorry but he isnt gonna change I know its hard when you love someone. But you need to love yourself and put yourself first. Much love to you my dear. ~Jay
Feb 12, 2014 @ 02:37:49
No your not crazy at all…I was in a similar situation. I’m sorry there are those cold hateful people in your life.
I don’t know if my words will matter to you, or help at all but I hope they do. I am touched by your story because the reasons behind your choice were a lot like mine. I’m glad that my angel babies father left me alone, so that I could move on. I thought for a long time. I was the only one who wept for the child I chose to destroy. It is a comfort to know I’m not alone in that.
I may not know anything more about you then what I’ve read on this page. I want you to know that you are loved. Loved by God, and by me. I pray that you know peace my friend.
Apr 06, 2014 @ 00:18:29
your are in my prayers.
you are hurting, not crazy.
google: ‘rachels vineyard’ so you may find acceptance, healing and self forgiveness so peace can be part of your life.
you have taken the first step by acknowledging your childs life, now i pray you may find your life and live it fully to honor your precious Angel.