For my beloved Son

Author: Isabelle
Baby Name: *~*
Birth Date: February, 17th
Abortion Date: September, 6th

That day I was flew to the country where abortion under 20 months are legaled. I made the check up and medical interview before approved. The hardest thing which I’d ever made. He was aborted when he was 18weeks, with oxytocin induction. I was fighting with pain for 12 hours at that time continue with so many injection in my body before I deliver my small boy. Alone, in hospital. I met him, a doctor, who caring and heard everything about me. He gave me option to cancel it if I’m not sure about this matter one day before the procedure started. he also offering me adoption scene. But i can’t, the guy that I love want to terminate it. I still remember I was talking over him every night trough the phone.. I wanna kept that baby. Even if he don’t want giving financial support or moral support I don’t mind. In my head, I knew what we’re did totally wrong. But having a baby from somebody u really love is the most beautiful thing. Plenty times he said, I couldn’t did that to him. He told me “we’ll have another baby once u are ready, u can make a dozen of babies, but not now. It’s haram. This baby deserve a complete family. He need a father and mother to growth, impossible for me to have a baby now. If u keep the baby, we can’t be together anymore”. After so many reasons we fight, I gave up, i love him so much, and to destroy his future is totally not my intention. He was 40 years old professional but come from super conservative family. I was sacrifice my child because i really love him and don’t wanna put him in trouble, I was blinded, blinded with love. Without realize that I had somebody who Really deserve for my love inside of my body. Something that I really want in my life, somebody who I love even I never see him before. someone who would accompany me so I won’t be alone anymore. But once again, I was so stupid. I love his father more than him. Then I’m deliver a baby boy those day, and the day when he’s born there’s a miracle, he’s still alive, I was shocked, I never knew its alive!!!!! I request the doctor, I don’t want any knife or dilatation stuff touch it, that’s why I got oxytocin induction. But I never knew it will be alive. Its suddenly changing my life, once I saw him, he was so small, every part of his body already complete. He even able to move his hands and legs. He had 10 finger, legs, hair, and yes, like USG results said it was a boy, whole body complete… I fell in love with him more than anything. I was crying, I’m panic , scream, I’m asking the doctor to kept it alive if it possible, my mind changed. My ward became so busy later… All doctor trying to help him, I was crying and pray, how stupid I am. Why I’m trying to throw the most beautifull things which happened in my life. With medical support, he only survive for a while, he passed away after 6 hours in NICU. My doctor came to me later, he trying to explain everything’s without makes me stress, but still it’s makes me so down. “I’m sorry for what’s happened, we’ve made wrong calculation, it’s supposed to born without breath, but I think God made another plan. Impossible 18 weeks able to survive outside. But he can survive for 6 hours. He show us how big his effort to breathing with uncomplete lungs, show me, how he fight for his life. U do take care, u are still young, u made mistake, learn and don’t make another mistake in the future. I hope God give me a mercy for all of my faults. He’s in heaven now. Be strong, and I’m so sorry” he said with tears kept dripped out from his eyes..

The another day I was discharge from hospital, with a baby boy in my arms. A small boy, not even bigger than a newborn kitten. Tears kept dripping out from my eyes. Yes, I’m a mom now, but mom from a dead baby. And that day I’m not went to celebrate his birthday, but I went to his funeral. I feel like I don’t wanna live anymore. It’s really2 hurt…

I gave him a same name with his biologic father. It’s the date that I will never forget in my life… And I was lost… I’m a looser…

I’m trying to make everything’s normal after flew back to the country were we live. I’m not
Even told him what’s happened. The part of me already die at that day. He had bad dreams every night . He also suffering for this, but I was lost.. Only his caring and attention became my Xanax, but it’s never really cure me. And the most pretty hurt is coming, he gonna leaving me soon to going back to his family…

Dear my beloved son, mommy so sorry, mommy loving you with all of my heart. Please forgive me.. If God give me a second chance, I wish u could come back to me. I will take care of U, no matter ur dad will stand by us or not, because I learn one thing. There’s nothing bigger in this world rather than moms love to their son. Boyfriend or husband might be your “Ex” one day. But your kids will never be an ex children. I love you my dear son, u showing me how miracle happened in my life… Please forgive ur dad as well. If he saw how beautiful you are, he will fall in love with you. He just dunno what he did… Please forgive him…. And mommy still love your dad so much, mommy will love him forever.

Dear all women in the world, abortion isn’t make u unpregnant. But it’s makes u being mom from a dead baby. Men give promises all the time but few keep ’em.. Be careful with your decision.

Dear all men in the world, before u suggest ur girlfriend or wife to doing this abortion, please imagine how’s ur feeling if ur dad suggest ur mom to abort you before you were born. Women also have a heart, if u planning to leaving them because they carrying your baby. Please consider That baby gonna be her remedy. Let her have a little bit happiness if u can’t standing by her forever. Don’t force her to do abortion then leaving… Can u ever imagine how painful is it, u already lost ur child, then u lost the man who because of him u kill a life inside you?

I wish I’m the only one who ever made this kind of mistake.