I choice not to have any other choice
Dear Little one
I had just gotten kicked out of the military after being sexually assaulted by men in my chain of command, that when I reported it I was the one blamed for it, punished swiftly and kicked out even faster.
I was angry and lost. I stayed in the area I had been stationed and moved in with a guy I was casually dating. We found out we had you on the way. I was so numb, depersonalized, having nightmares and panic attacks, and the only thing that seemed to quiet it was drinking in mass quantities.
The boyfriend didn’t really care about me or what i had been through. He just wanted me to get unpregnant and find a job. He screamed that he wasn’t ready to be father, that we couldn’t afford this. That we needed to get an abortion. I hated everyone, even myself, even God. But you? How could I hate you? So small and defenseless. So quiet and beautiful.
I told my sister, your aunt, about what was going on, that your father was not supportive in the least and that I was seriously considering abortion. She told your Grampa because he called me. Told me I didn’t have to do this, that he would drop everything to come get me and bring me over 2500 miles back home to have you and then we could go from there.
I had choices, baby. I had support. But I had a horrible weak moment and I rejected it and lied to myself. I chose to hate and I chose to kill, when I ended your teeny innocent life at 8 weeks in a non surgical abortion.
I didn’t let myself stop to think what the cervadil did, or what the Ru-486 did. I filled a hot tub and laid in as pain cramped my body horribly while I lost you. I thought This is over now and I can’t feel guilty because that small life died fast and didn’t feel the pain of a surgical abortion….. How screwed up!!! That I rationalized the killing of you by thinking you died a “merciful pain free death”??? God was I fucked up! How the hell does anyone know definitively that a teeny human like you didn’t feel
Anything??? I do to this day – the pain that I chose it all willingly is one that haunts me.
And here I am, over 10 years later, and alls I can say is I am sorry. Genuinely sorry. There are no thoughts to console me for what I’ve done, because pain or no, it was still a teeny human who had value and dignity that I selfishly murdered. There are no excuses – not anger, or hate, or wanting to “be an adult” that make this act of destruction acceptable in the least.
Everyday I can’t help but wonder Who you could have been, What you would have looked like, and Where I’d be now had I chosen to let my Dad help me out. Your younger brother probably would not have been born since I conceived him during the time I would still have been carrying you. How the heck can I ever explain this to him? I can’t. He has such a good moral compass and has such a strong faith in God being raised with respect for life and the people around him that I think it might be too painful for him to know he might not have been had I carried through on the teeny life that was you.
I have grown a lot over the years and I finally have a strong faith back in God. I’ve been through enough therapy to have been able to put myself back together to function in a decent relationship and I am married to a good man and we have two small children on top of my older child. I have a good life and I am happy and grateful to God everyday for getting me to this point. But not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. My heart is still in pain for you. I still mourn you and somedays I grieve so terribly – and I truly believe I deserve it every bit of the pain and even more.
I cannot forgive myself for losing you, for letting you go, for ending your life under the false banner of convenience. I deserve no shred of mercy for this. I guess my fate is up to God, and although I donate money to children and families in need, to prolife charities, and to help medical bills of families who cannot afford it, it doesn’t free me from my guilt. I just want to better the lives around me in your name, even as I don’t know what that name is. I know God does, and I know somehow that He’s forgiven me. I just pray everyday I can someday be given the gift of forgiving myself.
I love you my little baby. I failed to protect you as a mom, but I pray I can still meet you someday and give you the biggest hug and then get down on my knees and beg you to forgive me…..