I Am A 2X Forgotten Father And Its Killing Me.
Its been yet another rough year for me and all that is left is to bare my soul and hope that somewhere in this is a silver lining, the dawn of a new day. I’m just getting older, quickly surpassing 40, and life is slipping by at an exponential rate Due to being typically a private person, I have hidden this and my emotions for years. Its been a holiday, after another-holiday, another-Thanksgiving, another-Christmas and soon to be another-New Year, followed by more years of heart wrenching pain. Each day, is another day I don’t get to look into the eyes of my babies. I should have two children that I get to hear giggle, listen to them beg to sleep with me when they are scared, experience their tantrums, stay up late worrying about when they will return home from the school dance, witness them being Valedictorian of their class and just watching them grow to become amazing people. I was robbed of being a father, a proud father. My parents should have two more grandbabies. We wont get to see them because their mother terminated them. The pregnancy was consensual, no medical complications, no explanation for the end. My first baby died on September 12, 2011 and is now laying in a landfill in Boulder, CO. My second baby was taken from me in Sioux Falls, SD just before Valentines day. There will always be discussion of when life starts, and I’m not trying to convince anyone one way or the other. My babies were fetal but at an age that their little hearts had chambers and began to beat. I call it LIFE. I’ve been to many session of therapy/counseling, various churches, hours and hours of faith/soul searching, taken many prescribed medicines and nothing can take this sadness away. The sense of loss is incomprehensible. Who would have thought that a woman who claims to have stopped on the side of the road to try and help a recently hit deer, offer to be surrogate to another woman who could not conceive, the same person who claims they just want to be a mother to her first two children. Could be so evil and become an executioner of unborn babies. I never had a chance to save them not one chance. As I GUARANTEE I WOULD HAVE EXHAUSTED MY LAST BREATH TO GIVE THEM THEIR FIRST. I didn’t know about them until it was too late. Their mother chose to tell me about the first termination from September 12 (on Christmas Eve, 2011). Merry Christmas, here is an ultra sound image -you are a father but I stole that from you. She convinced me she was sorry and that she loved me. I forgave and we reconciled. Then 11 months later I was told that she had terminated my second baby back in February just before Valentines day. Apparently conception occurred the night of the first admission. God does work in mysterious ways, but you can not get a bigger sign of Gods desires that the night you divulge your atrocity you conceive again.
I guess I should have reacted/vented then but convinced myself the Christian thing to do was to suppress and move on. No one has to know and if I don’t mention it, that means it never happened, right? Wrong. A lot of time has passed and suppressing it has only made it worse. I’m not lashing out just hoping that I am releasing myself of this pain, yes a selfish position but this is far bigger than I can handle alone. On a second by second basis I have to tell myself all things happen for a reason and that I must find the strength to move on. If I please God, I will get to see my kids on the other side. I do not want to wait to love on them. Each day simply brings more weight and despair. I’ve tried to be a strong person, and greet everyone I see with a smile, but its only masking my internal despair. Guys aren’t suppose to be sad, cry, or weak or affected by things like this. Maybe I’m just too sensitive as I have cried myself to sleep too many nights to count. My soul was ripped from my chest twice by a woman I loved, I trusted, a woman who claimed to love me, whom on multiple occasions discussed the rest of our lives together. The relationship seemed very strong, she had introduced me to her children from a previous marriage and we hit it off. We took a shine to each other. They would ride their bikes to my house 1.5 miles away just to say hello, or introduce a new best friend they just met. I simply cant understand how someone could do this. I LOVE my babies even though I never had a chance to name them, hold them, see them or welcome them to this world. I know it goes without being said, but if you are reading this, please don’t ever take for granted the little lives we steward over and give them lots of extra lovin as not all of us have the chance to do the same.