I Am A 2X Forgotten Father And Its Killing Me.
Author: Anonymous
Its been yet another rough year for me and all that is left is to bare my soul and hope that somewhere in this is a silver lining, the dawn of a new day. I’m just getting older, quickly surpassing 40, and life is slipping by at an exponential rate Due to being typically a private person, I have hidden this and my emotions for years. Its been a holiday, after another-holiday, another-Thanksgiving, another-Christmas and soon to be another-New Year, followed by more years of heart wrenching pain. Each day, is another day I don’t get to look into the eyes of my babies. I should have two children that I get to hear giggle, listen to them beg to sleep with me when they are scared, experience their tantrums, stay up late worrying about when they will return home from the school dance, witness them being Valedictorian of their class and just watching them grow to become amazing people. I was robbed of being a father, a proud father. My parents should have two more grandbabies. We wont get to see them because their mother terminated them. The pregnancy was consensual, no medical complications, no explanation for the end. My first baby died on September 12, 2011 and is now laying in a landfill in Boulder, CO. My second baby was taken from me in Sioux Falls, SD just before Valentines day. There will always be discussion of when life starts, and I’m not trying to convince anyone one way or the other. My babies were fetal but at an age that their little hearts had chambers and began to beat. I call it LIFE. I’ve been to many session of therapy/counseling, various churches, hours and hours of faith/soul searching, taken many prescribed medicines and nothing can take this sadness away. The sense of loss is incomprehensible. Who would have thought that a woman who claims to have stopped on the side of the road to try and help a recently hit deer, offer to be surrogate to another woman who could not conceive, the same person who claims they just want to be a mother to her first two children. Could be so evil and become an executioner of unborn babies. I never had a chance to save them not one chance. As I GUARANTEE I WOULD HAVE EXHAUSTED MY LAST BREATH TO GIVE THEM THEIR FIRST. I didn’t know about them until it was too late. Their mother chose to tell me about the first termination from September 12 (on Christmas Eve, 2011). Merry Christmas, here is an ultra sound image -you are a father but I stole that from you. She convinced me she was sorry and that she loved me. I forgave and we reconciled. Then 11 months later I was told that she had terminated my second baby back in February just before Valentines day. Apparently conception occurred the night of the first admission. God does work in mysterious ways, but you can not get a bigger sign of Gods desires that the night you divulge your atrocity you conceive again.
I guess I should have reacted/vented then but convinced myself the Christian thing to do was to suppress and move on. No one has to know and if I don’t mention it, that means it never happened, right? Wrong. A lot of time has passed and suppressing it has only made it worse. I’m not lashing out just hoping that I am releasing myself of this pain, yes a selfish position but this is far bigger than I can handle alone. On a second by second basis I have to tell myself all things happen for a reason and that I must find the strength to move on. If I please God, I will get to see my kids on the other side. I do not want to wait to love on them. Each day simply brings more weight and despair. I’ve tried to be a strong person, and greet everyone I see with a smile, but its only masking my internal despair. Guys aren’t suppose to be sad, cry, or weak or affected by things like this. Maybe I’m just too sensitive as I have cried myself to sleep too many nights to count. My soul was ripped from my chest twice by a woman I loved, I trusted, a woman who claimed to love me, whom on multiple occasions discussed the rest of our lives together. The relationship seemed very strong, she had introduced me to her children from a previous marriage and we hit it off. We took a shine to each other. They would ride their bikes to my house 1.5 miles away just to say hello, or introduce a new best friend they just met. I simply cant understand how someone could do this. I LOVE my babies even though I never had a chance to name them, hold them, see them or welcome them to this world. I know it goes without being said, but if you are reading this, please don’t ever take for granted the little lives we steward over and give them lots of extra lovin as not all of us have the chance to do the same.
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Feb 05, 2015 @ 13:34:52
I read your story and I could feel your pain. I could never know how you have born this cross as big and heavy as it is.
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to cry. This is a fearful loss for you. I can tell you without shame I have cried many times, many tears for the pain caused in this world. And I am an ugly crier. So go ahead and weep for the loss of your children. But try to let Jesus help you carry this heavy cross…he will help you. Pray for healing. Find others who share your pain and get strength from them as well. Seek spiritual guidance. Don’t fall into despair. Find God, Our Blessed Mother and Jesus and they will be there for you.
God bless you.
Feb 06, 2015 @ 21:13:31
My heart, prayers & hugs are with you. I’m so very sorry for the death of your children. I’m sorry that you have been betrayed by your love and that your heart has been mangled so. I feel your pain so constant and so strong. I’m not sure of your faith life but if you don’t mind I’d like to share mine with you. Wherever you are reading this, I pray that you place yourself at the foot of the cross of Jesus. Be there with Mary the Mother of Jesus and our heavenly Mother. Mary knows your deep sorrow as she too lost her precious son Jesus after watching him suffer a brutal horrific death. Jesus our Lord & Savior suffered for you and for me that we might have life. From the cross Jesus gave us his Mother Mary through his words to St. John and gave us to hèr. Mary the Mother of Jesus can help you on your journey as she has personally experienced your sorrow on a much greater scale. At this moment, place your lost children in the hands and heart of our Blessed Mother. She is God’s Masterpiece! She will personally take care of your children. Be at peace. They are comforted in her loving arms. Name your children. In the Our Father we ask to be forgiven just as we forgive others. FORGIVE the mother of your children. As Jesus said from the cross – “Father FORGIVE THEM they know not what they do.” Now if you’ve never heard of the DIVINE MERCY OF JESUS – may you experience him now. To find out more please look up Divine Mercy on the net. So very powerful! There is so much help waiting for you. You need not suffer alone. Contact a Catholic Priest. Ask to visit with him. He can lead you to RACHELS VINEYARD or look up online. My thoughts & prayers are with you. May Our Lady comfort your bleeding heart. O one more thing, to help you heal, reach out to other children there are so many who need love & guidance. Peace, Healing & Comfort.
Mar 20, 2015 @ 00:48:08
Please know that Jesus will forgive you if you will only confess the sin of abortion and ask Him. The Bible reads in 1 John 1:9 Jesus said that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
You say that you try to please God so you will see your children. They are in heaven and you are guaranteed to go there if you let Jesus forgive you of all sin and you get forgiveness just by confessing and asking Him. I can tell you are a kind, loving and tortured man. Let go of your hurt, Let God forgive you and forgive yourself and the mother of your children.
Jun 11, 2015 @ 15:19:01
You said one of your regrets is that you never got to name your children. Well why don’t you name them? Pray to the Lord, cry out to Him and ask Him to reveal who your children are and He will be faithful to show you in your heart who He intended them to be then name them. Give them names and draw them into your heart. I promise you with the help of the Lord it will begin the process of healing. The pain and sadness and regret will never go away but it can be learned to be delt with especially if you take all that hurt and use it to help other people who have gone threw this or who is thinking about this horrible decision. It will help you to start to feel good again to help someone else make the right decision and also your children s deaths will not have been in vain. God has allowed this in your life. The question is, will you use it for good by glorifying the Lord and possibly helping others threw your testimony or will you continue on in unimaginable misery all in vain? I know, I’ve been there. I’ve made 2 horrible disgusting mistakes my self. Nothing i ever will do or say will ever change that but I can make sure my baby’s lives were not in vain.I speak out about the horrible lies of abortion and counsel with other people that have gone threw this. These decisions that were made will never change the question is what are we going to do about it? Name your children and make them your own. They are in heaven waiting to meet you, then do something good for them.