I’ll love you forever baby girl, I’m so sorry
Author: Anonymous Baby Name: Chloe Birth Date: May 15 2015 Abortion Date: October 2014
When I first found out about you I was scared and I was excited. I knew the situation was far from ideal but I was still so excited about the throught of bringing you into this world. I was so scared to share the news, with anyone. Your daddy and I didn’t have the ideal relationship and I’m young, still in college and at the time no job. But when I first saw those two pink lines on that test none of that even mattered. Upon sharing the news with my brother, best friend and your daddy that excitement turned into fear. Your daddy was in a relationship with someone else and we are both young and trying to finish school. But I wanted you so badly. I knew you were a girl right away, just like I knew I was pregnant at only two weeks. But as much as my parents, friends and your daddy told me it was my choice they also told me their opinions. And I was scared and got pressured into making the worst decision of my life. I knew they were right about a lot of things: I wasn’t ready neither was your daddy, we didn’t have a great relationship, I didn’t have the money and it isn’t fair for my parents to have to raise my baby. But looking back now I could have made it all happen. I knew I wanted to name you Chloe and everyday I thought about making you a nursery and dressing you up, playing with you, holding you and watching you grow. The morning sickness I got was horrible but i loved it because it made me know you were there. It made me know we were truly connected and it made me fall in love with the little human I was growing inside of me. I went back and forth with that horrible decision. My heart told me know but I was scared and I knew what seemed to be the smart decision and that will be a decision I regret for the rest of my life. At first I felt completely numb. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy. I felt nothing and nothing seemed real. This went on for a few months. In those months random flashes of reality hit and I realized what I had done to you and it killed me. I would have panic attacks and couldn’t breath. My heart broke, but then I would go numb again. The closer we get to the day I should be welcoming you into this world, the more that numbness goes away. My heart feels like it’s constantly broken and I keep seeing you in my dreams. I just wish I could rewind time so I could be holding you in my arms on May 15. So I could feel you grow inside my Tummy. So I could welcome you into this world and watch you learn, laugh and grow. I know your daddy loves you no matter how things ended. Know I will love you, always and forever. I will always wish I could hold you in my arms and see your beautiful face. See who’s smile and eyes you have. I love you baby girl and miss you every day. I’m so so sorry Chloe and I will never forgive myself for what I did.
Apr 10, 2015 @ 00:26:37
Dear Kassie, My heart breaks for you in the midst of all that pain and regret. I am so sorry that you did not have people who would support your desire to Mother your child. Please do one thing right now. Get on your knees beside your bed in the quietness of your room and admit to the Lord God that you allowed the life of your unborn baby girl to be taken from you and ask Him to forgive you. In His word, the Bible, He promises forgiveness to those who ask. He will do that for you and place that sin as far as the east is from the west and remembers it NO MORE !
Then ask your darling Chloe to forgive you. She will. She has been with Jesus ever since her earthly life ended. She is dearly loved and tenderly cared for by the one who allowed her to be created in your womb. Then PLEASE, ask God to help you FORGIVE YOURSELF. He wants to do that for you because it is not His will for your life to be spent in sorrow and self blame. He has never stopped loving you. Accept His forgiveness, and read Numbers 6: 24-26 as His personal blessing on you and turn and face life as the Lord lifts that burden of guilt from your shoulders, Breath deeply and rest your weary head on His wide shoulders and let His loving arms enfold you. Then think of Chloe saying this to you:
Please, Mommy, Don”t cry for me.
I’m here with Jesus, safe in His love.
Just wait ’til you get here and see what’s above.
The sparkle of diamonds, the glitter of gold;
The face of my Jesus I daily behold.
I’m never sad. I never cry. I never ask my Jesus,
P. Parr March 2, 1979 written March, 2000
36 years after I let my baby daughter go.