I’m sorry……

Author: Anonymous
Birth Date: 06/16/2016
Abortion Date: 12/08/2015

You died on December 8, 2015 late in the afternoon. You would’ve been born sometime in June 2016 if everything went as planned (June 16th would’ve been the projected due date). That would’ve made you a Gemini or possibly a Cancer if you were late (like your momma). I don’t know if you were a boy or girl because you were too young to tell and I was too afraid to ask. I’m sure you would’ve been perfect, and even if you weren’t, I would’ve thought you were. I did get to see you on December 8th during an ultrasound. You looked so cute but I couldn’t bare to stare too long knowing what was going to happen next. I sometimes wish I could have that ultrasound picture but I know that it would only make me cry when I looked at it. We didn’t have a name for you because of the circumstances but I would’ve tried to pick you a good one. Our dog Bunker would’ve loved you dearly. I could see him being so excited when we brought you home. I’m sure he would’ve loved all the food you spilled and would’ve been your best friend. I want you to know that I’m sorry about what happened and I wish I had more options at the time so I could’ve kept you. For a long time, I didn’t think that I was even able to have a baby. Maybe you were a miracle…… I want you to know that you were loved and our decision had nothing to do with not wanting you, and all to do with not being able to care for you like you deserved. I’m constantly wondering if I made the right decision and it pains me to think that I may not have (it’s too late now anyhow but I feel I deserve the torture). I can’t sleep at night ever since the ordeal. I wake up around 2:30 every morning (like I did when I had morning sickness) and cry as I think of you. I’m almost never able to go back to sleep so I just lay in bed crying until I have to be up. I read that at 11 weeks you had all of your organs and even had fingers and toes – which only makes things hurt more when I think about it. I think about the procedure and how, in a blink of an eye, you were gone. I hope it wasn’t painful for you, I often wonder about that and cry. I am riddled with guilt and despair as I think about who you might have been and the wonderful things you could’ve done. I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe for some sort of closure, maybe for you in case your spirit is out there somewhere. I just want you to know that I’m so very sorry…….