I’m sorry, little one. I love you.
Author: Lauren Baby Name: John Francis/ Rebecca Birth Date: June 2017 Abortion Date: November 2016
The midwife and I were convinced you were a boy, for whatever reason. I knew from the second I found out that I loved you. I never wanted to do this, but the way your dad, his family and my family reacted and how alone and scared I felt made me feel pressured into thinking this was best for all of us, rather than considering just you, your dad and I. I’m not well, little friend. I was scared you’d be taken away or that you’d have to live with daddy and his family with only limited access to me. That was my ultimate fear. The reality is that your dad and I would have tried our best but we are so angry and hurt with each other right now. That is why I made this decision. It’s only been a few hours since you were born but I regret it. I made the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons because I was vulnerable.
We were going to call you John Francis McCormick. If you were a girl, I wanted Rose or Rebecca. You had been growing away for 12 and a half weeks inside me and I got to see you. Your dad didn’t tell me how the scan picture made him feel. I don’t know if he feels anything but relief about what’s happened yet.
I hope you did not feel pain or suffer, sweetheart. I hope you will forgive me one day for what I did. I have been so sad and afraid lately that I made bad decisions and hurt your poor daddy, he didn’t deserve it. I am so sorry to all of you.
Your daddy and I lost another baby a few months ago before we separated which made making this decision even harder because I wanted you. But I would have been alone and still unwell and your daddy and I fought so much that I couldn’t bare it anymore. Please know that I can take some solace in that, wherever you are, you are safe and you are not alone. Both of my babies are safe and together and please know that I love you both dearly.
I wish we could have held you. I know that the second you were born your dad would have fallen in love with you and would have been a wonderful father, as he is a caring, loving man who you should be proud of, as I am. I am sorry I made this decision but it didn’t same fair to bring you into a world of such turmoil and put you at a disadvantage. But please don’t think I didn’t love you or that you weren’t wanted; I wish I could go back a few days and undo this but I can’t I am sorry.
I love you. And I think deep down, your daddy loved you too.
Night night, little kitty. Love, mummy. xxxx