My journey to forgiveness
Author: Nancy Baby Name: Joshua Abortion Date: July 1994
Not 100% certain my baby was a boy, though I always felt more of a male presence than a female presence while I was pregnant.
I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy at the age of 30, as the saying goes “old enough to know better, but too young to care”. I realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with my baby’s father so we both decided to “fix the problem”.
First, I will say that I was very sick during the days I was pregnant, had to eat at least half a dozen soda crackers before I could get out of be in the morning, and then still trying to function at work. I allowed myself to buy the lie that I wasn’t killing a baby, but instead, just taking care of a problem the only way I could think to at the time.
The morning I woke up after the abortion my first thought was “Hey! I’m not feeling like I’m going to be sick!, quickly followed by, oh God, what have I done? Then, there’s no way to fix this and take it back, guess I just have to live with it. That morning, I felt more alone and had the deepest hole in my gut that I have ever experienced. I knew I had killed my baby, but even more devastating, I knew there was just no way to “take it back”.
I gave serious consideration to taking my own life shortly after that experience, but God spoke to me in the only way I would hear Him at the time and told me to bury my feelings and that someday, I might get to be joined with my child again.
10 years later, I accepted Jesus into my heart, within a few months of that decision came the conviction that I must forgive myself for the abortion I had allowed 10 years prior.
It was a very long journey and I have to say the toughest part was making that first phone call looking for a Bible study to help me get through my post-abortive guilt.
In the end, I learned to forgive myself, by accepting the fact that Jesus died for that sin too. As many others have said, learning to forgive myself and release the burden of my guilt was almost like getting saved again. I can’t explain it to you, but if you’re in the same spot I was, you will soon find yourself feeling that way too.
Now I very much look forward to the day I get to meet my Joshua in Heaven! Yes, I still have times of remorse, but they are far less destructive than they were before. It was not an easy journey, I had to put all my garbage out for all in my study to see, but it was a journey well worth taking.
I urge any young woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, please, think about the life you will be missing, but if in the end, you decide to end the life of that baby, know that when and if you feel remorse, you DO have someone to turn to, and HE will forgive any truly remorseful soul.