If Only I Had Known…

Author: Anonymous
Baby Name: A. W.
Birth Date: June 2015
Abortion Date: November 2014

Little one,
I’m so sorry. I never planned for you but I never truly wanted for you to go away. I felt like I didn’t have any choice. I know I did in a way, but I felt stuck. I know I told you I loved you when I held you in my hand but it’s not enough. I wish you were still safely growing inside me. it’s been 13 days and I haven’t eaten since you left me at the fault of my own. Less than a week later, I was having a few drinks with my best friend. I told her what I did, trying not to cry. She started crying and told me that she and her husband would have raised you. She told me she can’t have children and would have taken you and given you the life I knew I wasn’t able to yet. If only I had known this a little bit sooner, you would still be with me. You’d still be growing and you would still have a future. I am so so so sorry. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life. I never wanted to do it in the first place and regretted it instantly but after I found out I could have given you to a wonderful couple and still had you in my life, I knew I would never forgive myself. I already didn’t think I ever could but was going to try and now I know I never will. I wish I could take it all back and give you the gift of life and hold you in my arms but as a full term baby who is taking it’s first breaths. I know I robbed you of everything and I had no right…if I could go back I would. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I will never get to tell you again…but I won’t ever forget you. Or forgive myself. I miss the morning sickness just because I knew it meant you were the reason.

Your heart stopped beating because of my selfish actions and mine broke as a result.