To The Love of My Life that I have yet to Meet

Author: Anonymous
Abortion Date: 02/27/2014

It has not even been a year since I lost you
I went through life with my anxieties but also managed to bounce back
I thought I was unstoppable and nothing could even rattle my entire soul and what I believe in
Growing up I was someone that also respected other people’s choice, and naively thought it would never be me so I could say whatever I wanted, because at that time they were just words
It’s amazing what you learn
When I had an inkling I was pregnant I was so scared about what would happen to me that I didn’t think of you, then blindly I think I convinced myself I wasn’t carrying you so I forgot all about it and went on with my life
Moments in the day would come about and I would think why my pants fit tighter, or why I had very quick bouts of nausea, or why my bra seemed to fit more snug than usual
Your father wanted me to test more and more but I assured him I was fine
Unbelievable that I would do that
The day that I actually found out I was pregnant with you I felt completely numb and your father had already opened his mouth that I might be carrying you, so that same day that I found out, your grandparents did as well, which I hold a lot of anger about still, none of this aimed at you
I went home that night and received such a strong vocal lashing for carrying you, that there was no time for me to even process my decision
I knew that I could not provide for you, and your father by no means should have a child
The next morning I had to get my pregnancy confirmed and I cried all the way through, and even harder when I got the overly excited call from the nurse who was beaming to tell me that I was approximately only 7 weeks along with you
I knew that couldn’t be right
I called the clinic myself and made the appointment knowing it was what was right for me to do
Driving there I again felt very numb and alone, I walked up to the door and was immediately “greeted” by two pro-lifers who offered me books, and cribs, and diapers if I walked across the street to their clinic, I respectfully declined
What still amazes me today is what I saw when I was in that clinic, when you are so convinced your life is going to go just one way, you think only one way
Looking around the room girls just like me, grown women, really young women, boyfriends, friends, parents were all there
It was like a place of sadness, but also a place of mutual respect and TLC
I could not face you in the ultrasound as tears ran down my face, but the nurse talked me through it so calmly and explained to me how her abortion went
Then I got to meet my social worker, who had to explain to me the procedure of what was going to happen to you, in great detail
It hurt my heart, but again knew it was what was best
She asked about your father, and I said he would not know
Again I was shown so much respect
I met my doctor who was very nice, but not the most conversational person, I guess that career would do that to you
As I went home knowing in two days I was going to lose you, I would cry in the shower, barely spoke to your dad, and took the week off of work to gather my emotions
Thursday, Feb. 27
My first day of CNA classes, was fine until I heard the preschool teachers with their kids come down the hall, and of course I just had to hear the deafening cry of one child
It tears you to pieces
Right after class I went to the clinic, this time your grandparents came to support me
Which is something I am so grateful for
I walk into the door shocked I didn’t hear anything from the protesters, then my dad follows me and he is shouted at by a man in a jeep screaming “come on sir love your child”
And I’ll tell you something it took everything in him not to shout, and as he turned to do so my mom pushed him forward, it scared me
I got called back and was given the medicine that began the end
I went upstairs to the waiting room, cramped up and very upset, looking around seeing a big mixture of emotions, sadness, smiles, and some seemed to not be phased by any of it
I minded my own business and just felt very empty headed
When you are going through something so major sometimes you don’t realize what is actually happening until the moment before it does, or until way later
The nurse called me in, advised me of what I needed to do, and that was my moment
When I laid on the table bed I looked up and post cards of beautiful countries and cities were everywhere
It did not sooth me but what could they have done for me?
My nurse came back in with the doctors and the tears kept coming, she held my hand tight and said to me that she had 4 kids, and remembers her abortion every day, but knows she made the right choice because she values literally everything in her life
I was scared, but again knew it was best for us
I blacked out
It was over
I stayed with your father, later realizing the love for him was no longer there, I could not tell him about my choice because I knew I would be forced to have you and you would be given a life that you did not deserve I couldn’t put you up for adoption I couldn’t give you to a family member it was not an option
I gave you to God because He will not betray like me or your father would have, I gave you to God because you deserve the greatest most peaceful life filled with things that on Earth you would never see, I gave you to God because he will make sure that you are protected and that you will thrive, you are loved so much by him
But I will be very honest with you
As much as it pains me to know I don’t have you
I do not regret this choice I made for us
People always say ask for God’s forgiveness, I don’t want it
I want yours
I think of you every day, no matter what is going on you come up in my mind, because my heart and soul wants you there
You are my reason for getting out of bed when I don’t want too, when I look up in the sky and see the sun I see you, when I feel like my day could not get any worse I remember my angel
You have proven to me that my life, my future is in my hands and all choices I make will affect me for the rest of my life
Thank you for opening my eyes
On the other hand,
When I get where I’m going and you see me, or hear my voice but don’t want to be near me or listen to anything I have to say I will respect you
I pray every day that you will
If I could ask for one thing when I get where I’m going, I am asking for you to hold my hand and just walk with me for a while we don’t have to speak if you don’t want too, but I just want to look at you and see who I am so in love with
Please realize you are my world
I Love You,