MY BABY HOPE RENEA
Author: Anonymous Baby Name: Hope Birth Date: september 20,2013 Abortion Date: may ,2013
I don’t even know where to begin baby girl. It has been three long years without you. Not a day goes by when you do not cross my mind. I am sorry for everything I have done ….. I always get in these moods where I just envision what you would’ve looked like, whether you would of resembled me or your daddy. Would you be a mommy’s girl or a daddy’s girl? Of course it would’ve been me. I regret that choice I made. The thought of your dad & I creating another baby in the near future, in a way, sadness me because I feel as though I do not deserve to carry another baby. I refuse to forget what I have done. I refuse to get over the fact that I gave up my child’s precious life over that simple fact that I was too terrified to tell my mother that I was pregnant. I was 15 when I got pregnant, but I did not tell anyone expect your father and my best friend Michele until I was 16, since my birthday was literally 2 months later from the time that I found out the shocking news.
I was 16 when my pregnancy was terminated. I can’t believe I carried for 20 weeks. It kills me that I waited that long to make such a awful choice. The fact of the matter is: I knew I didn’t want to give you up, and when I told Michele that I had gotten pregnant I was already in my second trimester. She is against abortions, but knew that I could not build up the courage to tell my mother. So, we went through with it. As I look back as a 20 year old (yes indeed still young) and your dad 21, turning 22 next month, we’ve grown a lot. As I think about you & I think about my mom, I sadly have a feeling that if I would’ve told her you would still be here. And I only think that because her & I talk about your dad and I having babies and I think to myself like “she would’ve gotten over it.” Your mommy is a full-time preschool teacher & seeing my three year old students everyday fills my heart with joy, knowing that this would’ve and could’ve been you but at the same time breaks my heart because as I nurture , love & care for them every single day I some how couldn’t do that with you. As time moved on I tried to find forgiveness in myself and still till this day I have not found it. You were my little girl that I always talked about. Did you know back in 2009 daddy & I said if we ever had girl we would name her Hope?? Who would’ve knew 4 years later a baby girl was being created in my tummy.
I’m sorry I could not be the mother I wish I was at the time. I’m sorry I never got the chance to see your face. Hold you. Kiss you. Play with you. However, I do remember what you felt like inside I remember throwing up everyday up until my second trimester feeling absolutely terrible. You got mommy good. I was so lazy, all I did was wanted to sleep. I will never forget it and I will cherish it, even though at the moment it brought pain. The last memory with you was sitting in the chair at the abortion clinic and feeling a flutter happening in my stomach. That was you beginning to kick. As I felt that, it brought tears and sorrow to my eyes because I knew that was a sign that I should have not gone through with what I did, but I continued to do it anyway. If and when I do get pregnant again, I want you to know that I do love you & I know I didn’t show it back then but I do. I really do. It kills me not to have you here in the psychical form. I want you to know that no one can, and will ever, take your place! You were my first child & for that I will forever have a great deal of love and huge part of me that can never be replaced. I also want you to know that, maybe one day when the timing is right, I will build up the courage to tell your brother or sister about you. You will forever be a part of me. You left your mark, baby. As I look into them and care, nurture and love them you will instantly come to mind. But I thank you because you taught me how to love and care for a child and what kind of mother I want to be.
I love you so much Hope and I hope and pray you find some way to love and forgive me. I know I can’t get you back although I wish I could. You were my gift from God, you were just too perfect to be on this earth. (That’s what I tell myself to get through the pain). You’re perfect and when I picture you, I see and feel nothing but happiness and so much life. I love you forever and always.