My Lil Bean

Author: Anonymous
Baby Name: If you were a… Girl- Aubriella Reign Boy- Rhett Edwin
Birth Date: Washington hospital
Abortion Date: May 8th 2021

To my little bean, you weren’t planned at all. I was on birth control the hospital failed to ask me if I was on birth control when prescribing me antibiotics and I didn’t know that they would cancel out my birth control. I was lucky enough to find out you existed around 4 weeks and immediately stopped taking them, however, there were many other health concerns as you made mommy very sick at 7 weeks. I had to go on medical leave from work and I threw up every day for 2 and a half weeks. When I first told your grandma, I told her via a letter while I sat on the bathroom floor balling as she read it. I stated abortion wasn’t an option she was mad. Fast forward to the first night you made mommy sick, I texted her in hopes she’d come to my room and help in any way she could, but she didn’t respond.It wasn’t until I got sent home early from work and she, your daddy, and I had a conversation in which she repeatedly told me to get an abortion. She told me that she purposely ignored me because she was mad at me.

Fast forward to 2 weeks of non-stop throwing up, I was severely dehydrated and so weak I had to crawl up the steps and beg her to take me to the hospital at 1 am. That was the very first time I saw you.

You were so little they had to use the internal ultrasound tool to be able to get a good look at you. I cried when she showed me the yolk sac and pointed out your little body!! I was so happy and couldn’t wait for you to get bigger so I could know if you were a boy or a girl. Your grandma had to leave so she could get ready for work and she asked if mommy wanted to keep the pictures. I said “yes”.  She asked if I was sure. I said “yes” again. She said, “I’m gonna take them until you feel better.” I still haven’t gotten them.

I had to have an emergency OB appointment and threw up the entire ride there and in the room. Our doctor looked at grandma and said I’m admitting her to the hospital, leave here and go straight to the hospital. So we did and I got better that night as I had nausea meds in my system, and remained better. But I let grandma convince me Into getting the abortion.

She rubbed in my face that all her co-worker’s daughters who were my age just bought a brand new car or house with their boyfriend. I let her convince me that the diagnosis of hyperemesis meant it was high risk and I could die even though that’s not at all what it was. So on May 8th of 2021, I got one last good look at you before I allowed the doctors to rip you from my body and I regret it so bad.

I cried myself to sleep for 2 nights in a row and I continue to wonder what you were and who you would’ve looked like and how far you were going to go in life. I’m so sorry I took your life away from you. I’m sorry I chose my toxic abusive mom over my innocent little angel! You deserved to grow and become someone amazing. I was prepared to give you the life I never had, and yes, it would’ve been hard being a 20-year-old mom with no license or car as well as your daddy, but we were prepared to try our hardest for you.

Mommy is in college working on getting her bachelor’s in psychology. I know you’re in heaven with your daddy’s dad, mommy’s grandparents, best friend who died sophomore year, and your older sibling whom mommy miscarried at 17. I know your gonna be okay. But mommy and daddy miss you so much and we’re never going to forget you. And one day you can handpick a sibling for yourself to send to mommy and daddy on earth from heaven. Mommy’s making a memorial box for you tonight with all the positive test and your last picture I love you