My little angel

Author: Grace
Birth Date: April 2017
Abortion Date: September 2016

My dear little angel,

I’m not exactly sure where I should start apart from telling you how sorry I am that we never got to meet each other. I want you to know that even though I never laid eyes on you, you have never left my heart, and the sorrow I feel from losing you will stay with me forever. The pain of killing you and never being able to change the way things are is heart wrenching. I have never missed anyone as much as I do you.
When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited to meet you; to be able to hold you and cuddle you for the first time. I would always wonder what you would look like and what you would sound like. I still do. I still think of how big my bump would be and how big you would be too.
Having an abortion was not something I have always agreed with and it’s not something I thought I would ever do. I have always said to myself that if I become pregnant then that’s how things will go. It was my fault it happened so I shouldn’t end a life because of my silly mistake, but I just don’t know what happened this time.
At the time I found out, me and Ryan weren’t together, we weren’t even speaking for that matter. I told him though and he wasn’t happy about it. For about two weeks I was so unsure on what I should do. All he wanted was for me to get rid of you. I had no idea how to feel or what to do at the time. Of course I was happy and excited because I had a tiny little baby growing inside of me, but I had people telling me all of these things about having you and then having an abortion, I just didn’t know what was the best choice for me. Ryan was telling me so many things and how he would suffer in all of this if I kept you. He made promises he could never keep. He made it seem like he could give me the world without you and I believed him. I believed that maybe things would be better off that way and you would have a better life else where, but now I know how wrong I was to believe his lies.
Before you left you was very small, but each day I could still feel you with me. You made me feel hopeful and bring me love and warmth, and that is a feeling I will never forget.
I will forever be regretful or what I did to you and it is something I have to live with for the rest of my life. I will never have a first pregnancy with my partner because that will be you, and when I do eventually have children in the future, I will have to face the demon sitting on my shoulder reminding me of how wrong did you. It will sure push me to do the absolute best for my children, but it will never be you and that hurts. It pains me thinking of what I did, but we’ll meet again some day and I’ll give you everything I couldn’t now.
I will make you proud and that’s a promise.
But I now feel it’s time we parted ways for a while, and when I say a while I mean it because mummy will see you very soon. Wherever you are I hope you are safe and I wish you all the best.
I love and miss you so so much and I can’t wait to see you soon my angel,