My Story and My Pain

Author: Anonymous
Birth Date: April 2016
Abortion Date: August 2015

In June 2015, I found out I was pregnant. It was definitely unplanned. My boyfriend and I were scared, but excited as well. We picked out names, started looking for apartments because we lived with his parents. We were ready to start a family.
6 weeks and 4 days along, I miscarried. We were heartbroken and had to move forward. We both ended up getting new cars (well needed, and we’ll deserved). And I think it helped get our minds off of our tragic loss for a while. We will always love our angel, and we wanted you so much.
August 2015, we had another unplanned pregnancy. We were hardly through grieving our last lost one. Also, we’d already taken on so much financially. We were no longer able to provide the life a baby deserves. Car payments, insurance, rent, no money for a new home, or anything for ourselves that we needed, let alone money to properly raise a baby or afford drs visits. We decided that an abortion was the choice we needed to make for us. And that’s what we did.
I cried for days before the appointment. He cried too. I never wanted to do this, I hated the thought. The whole day at the clinic I held back tears until they brought me back. They’d given me pain meds and a calming med so the process would be easier. However, I felt everything. Physically and emotionally. The moment I stepped into the room, I saw the biohazard waste bins, thinking nothing but awful things about what was in them. I cried through the whole procedure. I felt everything. Every pinch, scrape, suction… it was the most awful thing I’ve ever experienced.
I will never forget what I chose to do. I hate me for doing it. I’m sure a lot of you hate yourselves to. It was especially hard dealing with people who shamed me for what I did. I did what was best for my boyfriend and I. That doesn’t mean I wanted to do it. No one wants to do this. But ladies, if you take the time to read what I’ve had to say, just do one thing for me. Do not hate yourself for the rest of your life. You had your reasons for what you chose. And if it was what’s best for you, as it was for me, don’t best yourself up about it. And definitely don’t let others shame you either. If they haven’t been through this situation, they have no say. It’s ok to hurt over it, it’s ok to have regrets. I do. I always will. But there will come a time where I don’t hate myself so much. And I’ll heal a little bit. And we’ll all be ok.
As for my first angel baby, I miss you. I wish I could have kept you with me. You were so loved by us. And for my second angel baby, I didn’t regret you. I wanted you. But your little life wouldn’t have been good, because mommy and daddy werent able to be good ones anymore. And we wanted more for you. I’m sorry for what happened to you both. And the tears in my eyes every day show how much you both mean to me. I hope you look down and see us, and are proud of the people we are.
For the ladies who read this, I want you to know I love you all too. And I don’t shame any of you. You all did what you did for a reason. And another thing: no matter where our babies are, we’re still mommies. Even to angels.
It will be better.