My Two Forever Young Lifelong Regrets
I was young, naive and of course thought I was in love when really I was just in need of attention after the break up from my first boyfriend into a rebound relationship. The first surprise pregnancy was handled basically under the wire with my consent totally unaware of the consequences I would have to bare. He did not care to know about or talk about the deed before or after. The relationship soon after came to an end and after several months he begged my forgiveness and we reconciled. Then after 5 months I again was pregnant. I begged him on bended knee for us to marry so I could keep this baby; my family especially grandparents would have been deeply distraught with me being in the family way unmarried and my mom who was just as ignorant as I was before the first abortion felt that if he would not marry me it would be too much on the family and she was totally unaware of my previous pregnancy due to my shame. He cold heartily refused saying to my face his father had always told him to never have to get married! I was so ashamed of my stupidity I couldn’t open up to my own mother and beg her to please support me rather than encourage me to kill another baby! I know in my heart she would have now but then I was so covered in shame I could not remotely rationalize much less realize as a mom her love for me would’ve been all the support I needed! I had that second “procedure” and the day of my sister drove me to the clinic. Upon my arrival I opted out of the “consult” and as I was laying on the table just before the instrument was to be inserted to kill my child I yelled ” Stop.. I’ve changed my mind .. I don’t want to do this!!” And bolted up to a sitting position when the one assistant pushed me back head first and said ” to late.. We’ve already started” . My life that day felt over !! I was so depressed I did not eat, sleep for days. I had no life left in me for months .. Work was my only outlet. Then he once again came back around with a proposal of marriage which I accepted and after 3 months married I was pregnant with my first BORN beautiful baby girl and I felt sooo redeemed!! It goes without saying the marriage to this man was doomed from the start .. The history was poison and after the birth of my second beautiful baby girl I knew I would not be able to keep my sanity and stay in the marriage to this man. I did not love him .. I loathed him with every fiber of my being!! His touch made me physically ill! After 9 years I divorced him and raised my two beautiful girls into two beautiful women and will probably go to my grave a single woman! Did try wedded bliss one more time years ago but that’s a different book!! But the choices we make in life we carry and will effect the choices through consequences regardless of our circumstances !! We are young only once in this life but our memories are forever. And the consequences of our choices will always be part of our life’s story whether we acknowledge them or not! Abortion is the taking of a life .. Murder! I and he committed this sin twice and like so many of the memorials posted on this site I know I will see my babies in heaven and I told my ex years ago who so wanted a son .. Our son (s) are at home waiting for the day mom and dad come home .. It is up to us to make it there!
Apr 08, 2015 @ 07:31:02
Beautiful story. I long for my babies too.