Author: My First Name Baby Name: Jehu Samson Abortion Date: 1993
Personal Testimony of why we should choose Life
EVERY life is precious. According to the Word of God, EVERY life has a purpose. Who are we to tell God that He’s wrong? Who are we to determine who lives and who dies? Who are we to ignore a human life being ripped from his/her mother’s womb?? I know what that is like…
I was 16 and terrified. My boyfriend gave me $400, dropped me off in front of an abortion clinic and told me he’ll be back to pick me up when I was done. I remember the fear I felt- on both sides, how could I raise a baby, what shame I’d feel telling my parents I screwed up. I remember sitting in the large room, curtains drawn up dividing all the young women. It was depressing and scary. For a moment while I sat in the “procedure room” I told myself I should leave- What was I doing?
The Dr and nurse walk in and tell me it will be painless and quick. I remember them saying my baby wouldn’t feel anything. I felt relief hearing that. I can’t explain this to you other than I KNEW my baby was a boy. I knew he would go straight to Heaven, so he’d be in Jesus’ arms soon. I knew… I also knew Jesus would forgive me and that gave me some peace but what I didn’t know was the depression and guilt I’d feel after my baby boy was torn from my womb.
The Dr and nurse reassured me he was too tiny to feel anything. He’s just a tiny blob of cells…. so I let them stick a hose up my body and vacuum him out. It was that quick. They gave me a pad and told me I’d be a little crampy afterwards, like a heavy period and I can go about my life as if my baby boy never existed…
But see, that was the problem. HE DID EXIST. As I walked out the procedure room they sat me in a hallway, gave me some drugs and I waited for my ride. I sat there. I felt numb inside. I felt immediate grief. I placed my hands on my stomach grieving my decision. What did I just do? How could I do such a horrific thing? I knew better! I was a Christian…. I held the tears back the best that I could but the moment I got into my boyfriends car the grief overwhelmed me. I sobbed and sobbed. I literally just took my own child’s life.
The grief never left me. There were moments where I’d forget that horrible sin ever happened but when I’d lay in bed at night or be walking by someone with a baby, the pain would churn my gut. Not that much later, I began to feel so much grief I tried to commit suicide. I was driving a tiny Geo Metro and intentionally drove reckless. I felt worthless. I was a horrible person. My car flipped and flew into a deep ditch. I didn’t even have my seatbelt on. I wanted to end my grief. I crawled out of the car. Shocked I was still alive and not even a scratch or bruise was on my body. I was in complete shock, standing in the middle of the dark road. A farmer came out and called for help. I remember standing in front of a mirror, in shock and wondering what I was going to do now.
When my father saw my car, he cried. He asked me how I survived. He said the car was completely flattened. The accident was hazy to me. I just remember crawling out from the driver’s seat through the back of the trunk to escape. I didn’t realize me crawling out was literally impossible. At that moment I knew I had a purpose. I knew God saved me for a reason.
A couple years later I allowed my boyfriend to get me pregnant again. I wasn’t being safe intentionally because I desperately needed to make up for what I had done. My boyfriend asked me to abort him and I was furious. I told him you pushed me to abort my first son but you won’t take this one. To this day I have no regrets. He’s such a blessing in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for my 2nd son. I felt having him that day saved me from myself.
But that’s the thing. Even though I felt like I made up for the shameful act that I did as a teen, the pain never left me. The pain from the shame and guilt was too much to bare. I did have 2 more children after that when I met my amazing husband and my life was good. I was following the Lord, I built a beautiful family and God gave me an amazing man who truly loved me for me….
but a piece of me was still deeply mourning the loss of my first son. Every few months I’d cry and mourn him. It was so difficult to not think of him and how old he’d be if I had just given him a chance. What would he look like? Would he and his brother had been best friends? Did I take that from my 2nd son? The mourning continued and I prayed and cried out to God to forgive me… what I didn’t realize was God had already forgiven me the first time I begged Him too… the problem was how could I forgive myself?
It was in my late 30’s the Lord showed me a way out. My youngest son was going through a very difficult time, he was being tormented in his mind and had no way to shut it off. I cried out to God to save my son and God showed up in a POWERFUL way. We learned about deliverance and oppression. We learned about our authority in Christ and how to let Holy Spirit into our hearts to heal the dark places within us. That transformed my life.
I remember asking the Lord to show me my son. The Lord told me to give him a name. I named him Jehu Samson, a warrior’s name, for the trauma he had to endure in my womb. I gave Jehu a birthday too. I spoke to my child and asked him to forgive me and told him how much he’s loved and treasured. 😭 Then I allowed Holy Spirit to heal the brokenness inside of me and the deep grief suddenly lifted.
To this day I still miss my son. I wish I could’ve saw him grow up and get to celebrate his life accomplishments with him but I know my Father and Grandma are in Heaven enjoying Jehu’s laughter and heart. I know Jehu is praying for his family and he’s watching me mature and grow in Christ. In fact he’s watching me write this and loving me for sharing truth.
If there is anything you take away from this testimony, it’s that life is precious. Every child, even being formed in the womb, is a vital part of life. He or she has a purpose. God thought of them and created their destiny before they were even knitted together in their mother’s womb. (Read Psalms 139: 13-18) Please pray Roe vs Wade ends so these baby’s can have a fighting chance to enjoy a life God predestined for them to have. Chose life. That’s what Jehu would ask of you to do. Abortion doesn’t just steal a life, it steals our own destiny what God ordained for us to have.
And to top all that, I’m now going to be a grandma. I couldn’t imagine my life without my grandchildren or future grandchildren. I’m SO thankful my future daughter-in-law chose to give her baby a life. I can’t wait to meet baby Avery and couldn’t be happier than to watch him grow up and be apart of his future achievements and accomplishments. God is good. ♥️🙏🏻
God bless and I hope this blesses you too.