Regret So Deep

Author: Anonymous
Abortion Date: 1980

I got pregnant when I was 19 years old. As I grew up, my relationship with my own father became more distant and cold. He was a physical presence but little else so in my late teens, I went looking for the love and attention I didn’t get at home and became somewhat promiscuous. And I got pregnant. By whom, I don’t know. When I learned I was pregnant, all I felt was fear and panic. I was saturated in it.

I finally confessed to my mom, she shook her head in disappointment, glared at me with disgust and asked me what I planned to do. “Get an abortion” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I made a few phone calls and two days later was driving myself, alone, to the abortion clinic 45 minutes away with my mom’s blessing. There was no sedation at all, and I remember it like it was yesterday. When it was over, I was numb. Not sad, not happy, just dead inside.

Fast forward to 18 years later. I was dating a man whom I had no intention of marrying and obviously time doesn’t always make one smarter. We were having sex with no protection and I got pregnant again. By the time I found out, I had already ended the relationship and he was completely out of my life. I went to the doctor, they verified the pregnancy and I even heard the little heartbeat on the monitor. Oddly enough, my only reaction was “it has to come out, get that thing out of me.” I am so ashamed to admit that. Abortion #2 happened a couple weeks later.

I am now in my early 50s and childless. I gave my heart to the Lord in 2000 and it wasn’t until then that I had any remorse for what I had done. I have cried and pleaded for forgiveness, to God and to my babies, and I just wish I could find forgiveness for myself. Not having those beautiful children is the single biggest regret of my life. It completely tears me up inside.

I have no idea what their gender was but I have imagined one a boy and the other a girl, and I have named them Matthew and Michelle. I pray that they can forgive me for my selfishness and for not giving them a fighting chance. I also pray that I will get to meet them in heaven one day.

I’m so very sorry.