I can’t remember the date, my memories from that time are wrapped in a fog. I was in love with and trusted someone whom I only think of as a ghost now. When I told him I thought I was pregnant the first thing he ask was if I had told anyone else yet. Oh how I wished I had, but I had not. I took a test and read those beautiful words in tears. I could not speak when I showed him. And like a parent telling their child they could not keep the puppy, he said to me “you know you can’t have it” and all I could do was cry. I remember at some point saying ” I don’t want to do that” and “I can’t” and I held onto that until he threatened to kill himself.
I remember hoping to be rescued. I remember the counselor sweetly saying to sign this paper saying no one was forcing me. I remember this couple in the waiting room, the mother with her small round belly in tears, the father grief clearly showing on his face and I wonder what their story was. I remember how everyone working their was acting like they were doing me a favor as if I had some tragic illness they were curing. I remember being told I was 8 weeks pregnant. But what I remember most was this girl younger then I, who had come in with her mother and her boyfriend, and while she and I were in the back waiting room she said “I cannot do this!” and left. Oh how I wish I had gone with her!
All I ever wanted was to be a mom. And I hated myself for a long time for throwing my first chance away. I cried my self to sleep for a long time, and sometimes I still do. The father removed himself from my life. I told him I needed to talk about it, and he told me to tell it to someone else.
I didn’t until years later when I fell in love with my husband. He never judged me, and lets me cry on his shoulder still. He had also been scarred by aborting, finding out after the fact that his ex girlfriend had aborted his child.
We have a child now, and plans for more. While I was pregnant I thought often of the child I am without. I believe I have a son in heaven. I ask God often to tell him I am so sorry, and that I love him. I hurt and grieve to this day. Dwelling in the love of God brings me peace, and gives me the strength to speak up and reach out in the hope that others will not make the same mistake I did. I hope also that perhaps our story will help bring peace to others. I don’t think I will have closure until the day I leave this earth and see the face of that beautiful baby.