My sweet little one

Author: Victoria
Baby Name: Lola or Zeppelin
Birth Date: July 2015
Abortion Date: February 2015

I’ve never been so torn when making a decision and this was and will always be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying that I didn’t want to do this to you is a complete understatement; it is unfathomable how much it hurt and will forever hurt me. As selfish as this decision may seem, we made this decision with nobody but you and your future in mind. Your daddy and I are in unexplainable turmoil and transition in our lives, and as much as we wanted to hold you forever, we knew we wouldn’t be able to give you everything you needed and deserved and our utmost desire is to give you the world and more. We agonized over our decision and had to realize that the life we wanted for you was not something we could provide for you right now. We didn’t want you to see us struggle, see us unable to feed you, unable to clothe you, unable to shower you with all the gifts imaginable. Your daddy grew up with no father of his own and your mommy struggled with having no mother relationship and closeness for the first few years of her life, and because of that we have such a high expectation of ourselves and for what we can give you, and knowing we couldn’t give you that right now absolutely destroys us and also unfortunately fueled our decision. We wanted you to be able to look up and see your mommy and daddy and be proud of them and be able to look around your nursery room and see the largest amount of toys, clothes, love, and everything else you could imagine. Please know, we will never forget you and we will always look at you, remember you, and recognize you as our first child. Your loss date and birth date will be fondly remembered and celebrated every year, as well as your daddy and I are planning a few permanent things to commemorate you with. The day we lost you was a gloomy, dismal, and cold day on our way there. It made the emotions we were feeling even darker and heavier, but on the way back home, feeling stricken with intense grief and pain, the most miraculous change happened. The sun came out and was shining brightly on your daddy and I in between all the dark clouds surrounding us. In that moment, we felt that you, my sweet little one, you were up in heaven and looking down on us, telling us that you’re okay and that you know we love you and always will and that you forgive us for what we did and have immense love for us; equal to the love we have for you. This will never be easy, this will never stop hurting, we will never stop missing you or loving you, we will never not regret this, we will never not wish we hadn’t been able to birth you and hold you in our arms, but your life, no matter how long it was, will always be celebrated and remembered with intense love and adoration. Please always remember that your daddy and I love you so very much. You are and always will be our first child and our first love. You are our heart and will forever and always be there. Please forgive us and know you will always be celebrated and missed. Please look down upon us in heaven my sweet little one. Mommy and daddy love you so much.