Tidus James (TJ)
Author: Anonymous Baby Name: Tidus James Birth Date: June 2016 Abortion Date: October 2015
To my dearest child, whom I will never get to meet,
Your Father and I met two months before you were conceived. Not long at all, but it was long enough for me to know that my heart was finally in the hands of someone who knew how to handle it with care. He was and still is a great man. He took in your sister, Madeline, and loved her like she was his own. He would have loved you more than words could ever say.
Once we found out you were on the way, I was scared, happy but scared. Your sister you see, her Dad was what I had been running from for so long. My ex: he was and still to this day is deceiving and beyond cunning in his ways. Your Father was scared I would chose not to have you because I would be pressured into a choice my my ex. I assured him that I was happy and for once in my life, I truly was happy with the man I was with.
We were dead set that you would have been a boy. I already had my girl and so a boy was what I needed and we chose a name for you, a meaningful one. Your first name was to be Tidus and your middle name, James, after your Father. Him and I decided we would call you either Ti, which is what your Grandfather goes by or we would go with TJ, which was your uncle goes by.
The last day that I and your Father were together with you, we were coming back from the LSU game. The first LSU game I had ever been to and it was so amazing to spend it with a man I cared so much about and our unborn child. Soon after we got home, I went to a very good friends house, you would have known her as Aunt Kalee. While I was there, I told her everything on my mind, about how scared I was since I had Madeline already and was worried about her and her future with you coming along.
I loved my ex.
But this time, I loved him a little too much. I let a choice become out of my control and I allowed him to persuade me into getting the abortion done, because my sweet angel, I had considered it. I will not lie to you but your Father reassured me that we would all be okay, you, your sister, your Father and I.
But I walked into that clinic after only telling your Father I could not have you. I lied to him and told him I did not love him and could not have a kid with a man whom I could not feel for. I fed him lie after lie trying to justify a choice I was still doubting myself. I broke his heart and nothing I ever do will repair him.
I took away his chance to be a Father and I had no right to do that. But even more importantly, I took away your right to have a life. I will never be able to live with the choice I made. I thought it would be easy but I envy pregnant women. I mourn for you every day of my life and I hate myself when I do because I am the reason I am even having to mourn over a child I couldn’t face to raise.
Who would you have been? You would have loved your Mimi, she was one of the best and most genuine women I’ve ever met and her love for me and Madeline was so pure that I knew, she would do anything for you. She was hurt, too and I caused that pain to be put on her. I wish I could take back her pain.
Your Father and I do not speak anymore and I would give anything to have him back in my life because he made me a better person. He was just that guy who made sure everyone elses needs were met before his own. He loved his Mom and he was closer than white on rice to his brother and sister. He knew what it took to be a Father because his was never there for him. In fact, his true Father was too similar to the man that your sister calls Dad.
Ti, the man your Father refers to as Dad, showed your Father how to take on another child and how to be a loving husband. He showed him how to be a man, and not just a man but a loving, caring, honest and hard working man. Just know dear, your Father and his family were beyond amazing and I will forever live with the regret of taking you away from them. You will always be in their hearts and I am sure of that.
And all the while, I hope one day I will be able to talk to your Father face to face, tell him everything but I know that what I have done is unforgivable and unspeakable so I expect noting but hate to me from him, but that wasn’t the man your Father was and I would give anything to tell him that I love him because the one time he told me he loved me and I told him I could not say it back because it was too soon. The truth is, I was just too scared.
I love you my sweet darling. Forever and always: you will be in my heart.
Aug 23, 2016 @ 06:54:14
Nothing is unforgivable to your Father in Heaven. Please do not despair. I pray for peace for you and that you can find some way to forgive yourself. You are where you are for a reason, and your words have touched me. I have carried the guilt and shame of a selfish decision to abort for more than 46 years. I know in my heart that God forgives me, and I need to find some way to let that experience help others. I share your grief with so many others. We will hold our lost babies one day when we are reunited.