To my love
Author: Katie Abortion Date: May 2, 2015
Either way, I had failed. Either I kept you and failed everyone around me or I got rid of you and failed you as a Mother. Before I knew I was pregnant, “Mother” sounded so old, so far away, so strange, so not me, but the second I found out (In a hospital with my boyfriend at 13 weeks 6 days), “Mother” could not have felt more natural. I talked to you. Asked if you were comfortable, told you that I was sorry I didn’t know about you for a few months, that I hoped my insides were healthy and clean for you. I asked you what you did while you just floated around inside me. I asked if you were happy. I asked if you knew what was coming. I pictured my boyfriend, your father, a pre-physician’s assistant student, at 19, playing with you and running around after you in a yard. I imagined holding you and seeing his smile in yours. We wondered what color eyes you would have, what color sparkle would cry and laugh back at us as we held you in a few months. I wanted to nourish you, I wanted to hold you, I wanted to tell you everything was going to be alright. And I did. I told you everything was alright and that I loved you right up to the moment I passed out on the surgical table. I woke up in tears, I could physically feel the difference without you inside me. I felt empty, I felt like I was missing something. For just a short week and a half that I knew about you (from the time I found out i was very pregnant to the time I gave you up), you had become a part of me. And I had lost something, it had been torn away. I wish I could have fought for you, I wish I could have been a better Mommy for you. I should’ve, I could’ve, I wished I had, but I didn’t and that’s the biggest regret I’ll ever have. I know you’re ok on the other side, I know your back in God’s good graces, and I hope to meet you one day so that I can once again feel your loving touch. God bless you.