To My Son, whom I did not know was 14 weeks old…….
Author: Anonymous Baby Name: nicknamed "Northern Lights" Birth Date: N/A Abortion Date: Wednesday, July 22, 2015
To My Son, whom I did not know was 14 weeks old, please accept my great pain as an apology,
please forgive me for not having been ready to be a mom, for not having had the desire, or the resources. Know I am forever changed by having seen you. And that words can’t describe how much I love you and miss you, even if you weren’t alive when I met you. The bittersweet moments I shared with you with my nose pressed against yours or your hand resting on my index finger are forever eternally a part of me. As long as I live, I will never be the same.
Nicknamed after the song by Rippingtons “Northern Lights”, I peacefully buried your body with a white fragrant sweet rose, which I kissed and asked it to transfer that kiss to you, as a symbol of my eternal love for you, that white rose hugging you with its petals for all time, and let a beautiful tree that grows to be 140 years old take root upon your burial and live beyond my own age.
Northern Lights, Please forgive my lack of thinking and planning. This should have never been brought upon you. I had no idea how big you were. Not a thousand pouring rainfalls, hundred earthquakes or river of tears I could endure and produce would come close to the searing pain in my heart from how badly I wished things had been different. I feel that the world is an unforgiving backstabbing dirty senseless place and I was unprepared to help create a good haven for you to flourish in, away from the grime of the world, however maybe if I had known how big you were, maybe I would have done things differently. Please forgive me my Son. I was so remarkably poor at planning and keeping track of things. I am forever altered by having met you. The person I used to be died with you and I am a different woman now. I love you always. I know now something I can’t put in words, and am and understand through this grief. I miss you. I love you little one.
-With Vast profound Love, Your brokenhearted Mom
P.S. your Dad would have loved you a lot too and I know he also feels bad we both were/are in adverse circumstances and unable to give you a good life when you came to us. We love you little 14 week old “Northern Lights” Son
Oct 27, 2015 @ 07:26:10
Your words have deeply touched me. May God bless you and keep you.
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:33:23
Thank you so much Rose.May god also bless you my dear. For me personally it was more the grief of having let the situation get so far, and the shock I experienced seeing my dead undeveloped baby. I still have traumatic memories haunting me forever and my womb is also not quite the same. I used a lot of medical pills for this abortion but in all I am grateful I am not a mother. It’s very bittersweet. In the end the words stay with me “An Ounce Of Prevention is worth a Pound of Cure”…….
Apr 11, 2016 @ 13:44:31
Dec 26, 2017 @ 04:41:01
Hi everyone it’s me the mom who wrote the original post. I need to write this letter to my lost son as an Update:
….. Years have passed and I still cry thinking of you my son Northern Lights. you’re the wound in my heart that never seals. You’re the secret wound in my heart that will always be open and raw bleeding. I am so sorry how I took those pills I had no idea how far along We were in that Journey called pregnancy. (14 weeks you had hands and fingers, way bigger than I thought you were.)
I am so sorry when I buried you with that rose in the pot of soil I didn’t think of there being any worms in the ground near your pot. I am fucking traumatized. God I didn’t need to see that when I went to go see your small pot-sized burial. I wish I had at least kept your fibula leg bone as a memory after I washed your body. Where did your bone go. I would have loved to keep that last bit of you as my Last physical memory. My heart is Broken. My heart is so broken.
…My dear son I want to tell you you have either a brother or sister now and she has surpassed you in age, (25 weeks) and I will keep your sibling in Your Honor. and that I am so very sorry, because you were supposed to be the Eldest son. I love you sweetheart. We could have been great. I’m sorry again I didn’t have the resources at the time, or the right circumstances. I felt at the time it was the best thing to do since we couldn’t provide you with a good life but that doesn’t make it ok. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better. But nothing will, will it. Wherever you are god I beg you please send my son all my love and tell him I am so very sorry. god it hurts. This new baby on the way can’t replace that one. Also please send my kisses to your long-lost siblings the twins. Your dad has a wound in his heart when he lost his brother due to suicide by a train recently. I hope your new living sibling might heal your dad’s wound, but I know at least my wound from losing you will never heal. hugs sweetheart I am so sorry. I could see us both playing the synth –the apple never falls far from the tree. I dream that kind fantasy and weep with pain. I feel like my lungs are punched in with pure sorrow. I hope you’re truly in a better place than earth I don’t like it here much. I should be up there with you but I have to fulfill my earthly missions first so I never return as a reincarnate. I can’t wait to be joined with you hopefully it’s true what they say that you’re there and we can meet. I love you. infinite kisses and a big warm hug ,your mom k_y_r_a_m.