Until My Last Breath

Author: Anonymous
Birth Date: March 2020
Abortion Date: Aug 2019

The rapid decision to abort my pregnancy was the most difficult decision I have ever made. I felt ending my unwanted pregnancy would resolve the problem at hand. But all it did was create new ones that have left me with a broken heart and regret that I know will last a lifetime. I’m married with 3 children, my oldest being 8. I work full- time and come home to a chaotic mess on the regular. Once I learned I was expecting I went into a state of doom. Feeling flooded by the idea of being pregnant and expanding our family. My husband’s reaction didn’t help either. He was angry, disappointed and eager to state that we just could’t have another baby. While feeling the exact same as he did, it still crushed me to hear him say it. I immediately began contemplating abortion, searching for the nearest clinic and methods available. I’ve never even considered myself pro-choice. Mainly because I never saw myself in a situation where I’d have chosen it for me. My husband was on board, which I thought was supportive at the time. But the more I contemplated it the more wrong it felt. But because I was so early in the pregnancy I felt rushed by him to make a decision. I was terrified of making the wrong one. In the end, I just wanted our lives to go back to normal. Frankly, I wished, I could wish the situation away. But with each passing day, I knew I had to hurry and decide. Which is an insurmountable amount of stress to deal with it. I was torn between wanting my baby and wanting my life to remain the same. I made the appointment, a day I wish I could undo. It was the most heart wrenching, soul shattering choice to make. What’s worse is, I could have prevented it all. I should have prevented it all. As soon as the procedure was over I was immersed in a suffocating sadness. My husband was by my side but I’ve never felt more alone. It’s been a mere 5 days but feels like an eternity. My decision consumes my first waking thought and lingers to the last before I drift off to sleep. Although I have to keep life as normal as I can for my 3 children at home, the baby I aborted, is never far from my mind. I may smile here and there but my heart is broken. I pray I can overcome the guilt within time, but I know this decision is one I will regret until my last breath.