do what you want

Author: Cath

When I was 33 yrs. old, I was a single mom out on my own for the first time in my life. I had been married 14 yrs. and had 3 kids. I divorced my husband, broke up my little family, and set out to find happiness. Of course, in the ME generation, that was what it was all about. I had married at 17, pregnant and abortion never crossed my mind. So at 18, I was a teenage mommy, and I really liked it. I went on to have 2 more children and wasn’t really happy with the husband I had. For my own selfish reasons, I left my husband. I started dating a nice man, and felt like I was in love with him. After awhile, I found myself pregnant. I was not intending to have any more kids, and neither was he. So, after my test came back positive, I went to him and asked “what do you think we should do/” He said “Do whatever you want.” That was all I needed to confirm my intentions of having an abortion. I am sure that if I would have said I wanted to have the baby, he would have supported me, and helped me raise the child. I thought, abortion is legal, so it must be OK. They do it all the time.
I had scheduled the “procedure” and in no time my little indiscretion was covered up. No one will ever know, no one, ever. Yet, in a year, I had married the guy who fathered the child, and found myself again, with child. It seemed to play out like the exact same thing again. I felt like I was walking through the very same movements, like I was in a stupor. I went back to the same place, walked through like I was numb, no feelings, no heart.
Little did I know then, that that’s what happens when you choose abortion for you chlid, it numbs you. You no longer feel, you put up a shield around your heart, so you won’t hurt like that again. Even though I chose this for my children, I did not allow myself to grieve. Didn’t allow myself to think about any of what had happened. I blocked it out for many years. Every time abortion was mentioned, I shut down, didn’t allow myself to go there.
It was 16 years after the last abortion that I began to deal with it. I was listening to a radio station that was talking about abortion, a Christian station, and I began to realize that I needed healing, and a chance to get in touch with the feelings that had shut me down. To feel the losses, to name my babies, and to experience the forbidden grief. With a live birth, there is a ceremony, a time of grieving, a tangible process, and people to grieve with you. But with this kind of loss, the kind that most of the time, nobody else knows about, you are left with a vacancy, a whole in your heart that needs healed.
If you,ve had an abortion, please seek help for healing your loss. I am now an abortion recovery leader, helping other women seek healing from their past abortions. You will be so glad you did, so you can start living again, free from the burden of guilt and shame. Most crisis pregnancy centers offer this kind of counseling. God Bless you, healing is so close, seek it today.