I wish I could know you

Author: Anonymous
Birth Date: April 1995
Abortion Date: November 1994

I was 18 when I had my daughter who is now getting ready to turn 20. Her dad was not around and denied he was the father. I met someone else when I was about six months pregnant. He was very good to me. He was there when she was born and took on the role as daddy. He was so good to her.

About 4 months later I became pregnant by him. I was so scared I had a child and no job and was living with him and his parents. I told him i was pregnant he was happy. Then I left my mom a note when I visited her she called me later when she found it. She said “I can’t believe you” how many kids are you going to have”. You can’t take care of it and I will not help you. I don’t blame her for being upset I should have been more careful. It was my fault. I was so upset and so scared. So I told her I would have an abortion. Me the one who was always against it.Who wrote papers on it in high school. I told my boyfriend that I made a mistake that I was not pregnant the test was false. He believed me. My aunt, mom and best friend dropped me off at the clinic.

I honestly can’t remember what was going on in my mind. I know when I left I never wanted to experience something like that again. I remember being on the cold table and them sticking something up inside of me like vacuuming my baby out. Why can’t I remember what was going on in my head. After we was taken to a room to wait. I remember sitting quietly and looking around at all the other girls. The nurse smiled at me. She had a warm smile.

I was quiet for a long time maybe months. I remember crying myself to sleep one night and I had a dream that I was on the couch crying with my hands buried in my face and my great grandmother(whom I was very close to who is deceased) well she raised my face up and wiped my tears and said everything is alright just look and there next to her was a little boy with blonde hair who was smiling at me. I remember waking up happy b/c I knew he was in heaven still though I had a heavy heart.

I would go months and be fine then I would get this empty feeling and cry. Mostly to myself b/c know one knew except the ones who took me. For years I would do this. But not until I fully gave my life to Christ did it truly break me down. It was a few years ago and I got into this deep deep depression. I could not stop thinking of the baby I murdered. This is how I talked to myself. Each day it was a battle to get up. I knew Satan was fighting me he wanted me to dwell on this and honestly I felt as though I deserved this torment.

I remember going to the bathroom I was crying so hard I was hysterical. What happened to my baby I was saying. What did they do with it. Why had I never thought about this until now. Was what was left of it throwed in a dumpster out back. Oh Lord what did I do. How could I do something so horrible. On this day I wanted to die.

Finally when I calmed down I prayed b/c I knew the enemy was out to destroy me. I called my mom crying and asked her to pray with me she knew how it hurt me and she to is so sorry for not being there for me. she told me that I was under attack and that God forgave me and that I needed to forgive myself. I told her I deserved torment for what i did to my baby. she kept telling me no you don’t.

Finally after a few days I was at church helping my youth group when I did something that I thought I would never do and that was confide in my sister in Christ whom I was just really getting to know. I cried out and we just talked it thru. This was a year ago and I have been better every since. I don’t forget about my baby and I am crying for him now but I know my God had forgiven me.

I remember one time a friend who is a good Christian told me she had a dream about me and that the heavens opened up and Jesus was sitting in a chair or throne and a little blonde hair boy was sitting next to him on the floor looking down at me smiling. I knew it was my baby b/c this is what he looked like in my previous dream. God was comforting me. My friend will never know what this meant.

Maybe one day I can share for now no one knows. I am still so scared of being judged. One day God may use me to speak to others but until he gives me the say so I stay in silence.

Today I have 4 daughters 2 bio and 2 I have adopted.

The Lord had truly blessed me.